Today’s blog features an article on the topic of relationships, and the importance of making each contact count. This is especially important during the age of the COVID-19 epidemic. However, this post was written before the UK government advice about social distancing and social isolation. For up to date guidance on social distancing please click here
Today’s blog is from a guest blogger: Arwen, the new Apprentice in the University of Cumbria HR Department. Who is “big into cooking and baking, relaxing AND delicious”.
“When you see that word, you might only think about relationships with a partner but any friendship or familial bond is a relationship. The coffee guy who makes your morning de-zombification beverage every day is a relationship. We don’t always get the most out of these micro-encounters but taking the time to say hello or smile or realise that you already do, that you’re out in the world interacting and having an impact on other people’s lives can make us feel connected, feel not so small, feel significant. Do you take the time to notice the small things that add value to your day?
Relationships are always complicated and we usually carry these complications forward in some way. The lack of early trust in a new relationship when you’ve been lied to in the past, automatically searching for ‘supporting evidence’ to what someone has told you rather than immediate belief. Worry about how you measure up when you know your new partner’s sexual history. Am I good enough? Am I not as much fun? Am I as experienced?
Good communication is always talked about as being key. Not everyone is a good communicator and not everyone who we are trying to communicate with is in the right place to listen to -or receive- what we are trying to talk about. You can keep in mind the bigger picture: that you love and value this person and they have your respect and esteem. Great. But sometimes you may just want to be on a planet, where they are not.
How do I talk to someone when I can see they have a problem and want to support them? Opening a whole case of worm cans. How do I talk to someone about their alcohol dependency? Seeking advice from Al-anon friends and family is a wonderful start and can be done without involving the person you are concerned about. Local groups are available and are there to support you at this time and not this person. You can get advice and not feel so alone. You might not want to use the exact term in conversation ‘Al-anon Friends & Family’ it can easily be misconstrued as ‘I’ve been talking to my friends and family about you’ (cue detonation)
Giving time to process is an important part of difficult conversations and for both parties- physical and emotional space to deal with the bombshell (I think you need help)
How do we move forward? Open questions are great at enhancing a dialogue. Most of us are not trained communicators and don’t realise that we ask closed questions and effectively shut down the conversation. Being empathetic rather than sympathetic is another big difference. Put yourself in their shoes but don’t pity how much they hurt your feet. Listen without judgement, actively listen and show them you are paying attention through small nods or comments: Yes. Oh. I can see how that would be difficult for you. Could you tell me more about…….?
Importantly: please don’t talk about a time when you or someone else you know were in a similar situation. You make it about you and not about them, they feel unlistened to and disengage.
Talking to someone about a problem you think they have is deeply personal and can affect you both. Helping someone through their crisis is not a quick or easy process. When people are afraid or hurt they can lash out, a support group or counselling for the both of you is a good consideration.”